


heart on fire

by Wayward_JasonLee



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Girlfriends/No Wives, Anger, Children, Don't Judge Me, Don't Like Don't Read, Emotional Hurt, FC Barcelona, FC Bayern München, Gay, Heartbreak, I Don't Even Know, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Love/Hate, M/M, Memory Loss, My First Fanfic, Please Don't Hate Me, Slow Build, Sorry Not Sorry, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-06 15:38:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 10,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14060079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wayward_JasonLee/pseuds/Wayward_JasonLee
Summary: Ney and Leo are Team mates and best friends, they live together and everything is fine... Until rumors about a certain Transfer come up, until neymar starts to be drunk constantly, until there is that one incident that will fuck shit up...Yeah sorry I suck at descriptions





	1. Drunk Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone, this is not the first fanfic I have ever written, but it is the first one that will ever be read by anyone else. I hope you like it, it is already finsihed and I will try to update it as regualry as I can. Please note that it took me eight months to even make an account because i am so nervous, please leave a comment and please also leave suggestions for improvement...  
> Yeah thats about it, love you guys and I really hope that you like it  
> ~Jason xx

"what is this about" lio yelled at me when he held his smartphone up, I didn't even look at it, first I wouldn't be able to read it anyways and second I knew what this was about "Why do you freak out like this man and just STOP yelling at me I have a headache already" the brown eyes looked at me worried "Did you drink again" I managed to escape his view and nodded guilty "Yes, and what this is about, you are not really asking that question are you" I did not look at him when he responded "I just want to know why the fuck my best friend and basically the father of my son wants to transfer to a german club all in the sudden" it hurt, It fucking hurt to not be able to tell him the truth but it would hurt even more if I would see the shocked facial expression when I told him the truth which was the reason why I just didn't. Tears started running down my face when I whispered "I'd preffer to be alone right now" Lio just wanted to move when his son opened the door and looked at me curios "dad why is daddy crying?" and even more hot and salty tears ran down my face, I would not just give up on him- my best friend, but also on his son and David-Luccas best friend.  
It was in the middle of the night when I sneaked downstairs to get a new bottle of vodka after I had emptied my previous one way too fast over the past day. I opened the fridge and the cold air caused me chills but I was able to close the door really fast again as I had found what I was looking for, without thinking I opened up the bottle and took a sip when the light was switched on. After clenching my eyes due to the sudden light I could see Lio in the kitchen, shirtless just dressed in sweatpants looking at me half angry, half worried and half way too sleepy, another sip, "What in jesus name are you doing man?" another sip, "is that vodka?" another sip, and one more "Yes" I mumbeled with a slightly blurry voice "Why are you drinking so much?" his voice got through to me as if my ears were stuffed with Cotton candy; I shrugged my shoulders "Why souldn't I be drinking so much I mean I would give up everything just to get away" , three more sips, "What do you mean by 'to get away'?" the forbiddenly hot football legend asked "Get away from Lionell messi but shhh don't tell him he might hate me now" I giggeled slightly confused- what was this guy doing here- or three versions of the guy "And why is that?" they asked with a voice that sounded rather far away

PoV Lio  
He did not answer at first because he continued drinking until the bottle was nearly empty "Because I' he hickuped when tears started running down his face and his puppy eyes basically screamed for a hug but no matter how shitty I felt I didn't hug him, he would know who I was otherwise, if I wanted the information I had to stay here, distant, 'Because I am a faggot" the silent words hit me like a bullet right in the heart. I was in shock, my roommate, my bestfriend, my brother, the father of my son, was GAY not that I disliked people who liked the same sex or gender or whatever- I did mot really get all of this- but- but he was a successfull footballplayer and so was I, not that I had anything to do with this but still he was not supposed to be gay, if that came out, if he came out his career would be over but well so would be my career because everyone would assume I was gay too and in that case, people would say- clear evidence. But he was my best friend I couldn't just let him down because of his sexuality and my career- could I?

Lio was so lost in thoughts that he did not hear the whisper "and don't tell lio that I like him"

When I looked back to ney he looked like a wounded puppy, like a Person whose heart had just been ripped out, someone who was too scared of People finding out about their one 'weakness'- and I had no other choice than to hug him


	2. Some words are unforgivable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello People, it is I, Jason.  
> Second chapter yay.  
> In case any of you read this- I will post another Story, basically the same as this one right here just with other People and a few alternations... So yeah don't be confused. As they have the same plot I will post them as equally timed as i can  
> Love  
> Jason xx

PoV Neymar da silva santos Jr  
My head was killing me I really drank too much last night but for me there seemed nothing else I might do, the pain was just too- someone walked in my room "hey you awake?" I mumbeled something in my cussion before I started to sit up, slowly I raised my gaze and even before I saw him, I already saw Lios beautiful and stunning smile in my mind "Yeah I brought you a glass of water and we need to talk later" his voice was serious and my heart skipped one or two beats because i remembered nothing from last night so I might as well have tried to kiss him, I simply had no memories amd that terrefied me.

One hour later I walked downstairs where lio was sitting on the couch biting his fingernails, he never bit his fingernails unless he was scared, one of the tiny things I have noticed during the time we had spent together "What bothers you lio?" I asked when I sat down next to him and his eyes were filled with sadness when he looked at me "I am sorry but I can no longer do this Neymar, you should transfer, Munic has a great footballclub, they got good players there and you might as well find yourself a nice guy but not here, I just can't do this, not that I disliked the lgbt community or that I disliked the members but if that comes out, so if you come out I will be done as well and I am sorry but I just can't risk that" he had tears in his eyes and I was surprised that I could see that because my view was blurry from all the tears that ran down my cheeks and dropped on my plain white tanktop "You knew?" I gasped in shock, my voice already weakened and breaking, but he shook his head when he whsipered "no you told me last night" FUCK I screamed in my head "I am sorry Neymar, I really am but I can't" my voice was cold when I spit "You can't even call me ney anymore- you never call me Neymar unless you dislike something I did, I came out to you, you seem to dislike it Lionel, but maybe until I transfer it might as well be Mister da silver santos because we are complet starngers, or at least you are a stranger to me I don't even recognize you anymore- You are my best friend you are supposed to protect me not stab me in the back you might as well just tell me to not come back home 'cause to be honest I NEVER had a home, a place I called home I had you and no matter where i moved when I was with my best friend I was home but right now I fell damn homeless" the I stormed out of the house and just ran, ran with no place to go because I had no home, not anymore

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a break down and my legs gave up on their job after some time why I fell down in the shade of a tree where ever I was, warm tears ran down my face, my tank stack to my body drained in sweat, my feet hurt and I was just done and probably looked like shit. I pulled my smartphone out and called my manager "Yes?" he asked on the other end of the line "Yeah, neymar here just wanted to tell you that I will transfer could you please make sure that it happenes as fast as possible?" my voice broke apart and I sobbed "Yeah sure- but you are alright has anything happened?" "No- nothing I am ok I just had an 'eye opening' chat that is all" he knew that there was more of a story behinde but he did not ask "Ok, will do and don't hesitate to call when something is up" I smiled matt "Thanks" I hung up when I heared a female voice "look daddy there is someone there" the girl that 'ran' towards me was maybe about three years old and the guy that followed her was surprisingly young maybe 17 or 18 "Daddy why is he sitting on the ground?" the boy looked at me worried "hale, you get back to your uncle ok" she nodded and ran back when the boy offered me his hand to help me stand up but I just shooks my head and whsipered "Thanks" he sat down next to me "What is it that bothers you?" "It's nothing" he smirked "Yeah I can see that you can tell me I mean we might as well never meet again and I won't post it on twitter" I sniveled "if you knew who I am you would" the boy with the kinda sand coloured hair smirked "I know who you are neymar da silva santos jr, you don't know who I am though what makes me think I should introduce myself- so I am Jordan 18 years old, have a three years old daughter, my grilfriend left me why I am alone with raising Hale, but she is a smartass kid, I play football back at home in munic and that is it, you know a bit about me so you can tell me" and I kinda felt like I could trust that kiddo "My best friend basically kicked me out because-" stopped because I have never said it out loud, I never had the courage to "Because you are into guys" he assumed and I nodded, weak. "Wow my gaydar works I am so proud right now, and I won't tell." A short silence followed before the guy with the ocean eyes, tourquoise and so deep I might get lost in them, asked "so is it true then? That you are transfering?" and I nodded "Yes I am afraid so" Jordan smiled as if he wanted to say -feel you bro- "Well I have to go back but I understand the way you feel and it sucks- well maybe we'll bump into each other one day cause we'll be on the same team and if you miss me too much just ask for Jordan- they gay one, who ever you are asking they will know that you know me" he smirked, winked at me, then he walked back to his daughter and probably his brother eversince he called the guy he wanted her to go to her uncle.

I had to smile, he was a nice guy and that booty thooo but I couldn't help it, I just sat here and cried as if there was no tomorrow, and right now for me there was no tomorrow, no next day, no next week, no future- not without him. My heart shattered into millions of pieces when he told me to leave because his career was more important to him than his best friend, it was not the first time that I felt alone, just that thise time it hurt.


	3. Love will tear us apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dears, it is I, Jason   
> Hope you are having a good day whereever you are from   
> New chapter  
> yay  
> Love   
> Jason xx

Three days later  
I woke up because I heared a voice "Over here" it was man who yelled "Guys" I opened my eyes, sleepy and confused "Gosh ney what were you thinking and what happened to your hands?" the starnger with the warm brown eyes asked worried  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It was in the middle of the night when I stood up again and just jogged through the wood, the moon was barely visible and it was just all black why I saw nothing. My breath was heavy, my heartbeat fast but not because I was exhauted but because I was angry and my selfcontroll started to disappear again like it did when I was fourteen, I tried to hold all of that anger back but with all the things that happened I just wasn't able to hold it back. I stopped, just stood still, my breath was flat, my heartbeat slow, my eyes got used to the darkness and I was able to 'see' where everything was so basically where the next tree was- so far away from the paths it wasn't difficult for me to find one  
The first time I hit the wood my hand hurt but the second time I let go of everything and just punched the tree to death, I did not care that my hands were bleeding, that my arms felt heavy and I did not care about the pain because it was the best thing I felt in a while  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
"Where am I?" I mumbeled and felt like I got hit by a bus "YOu have been missing for nearly four days" I tried to stand up but my legs would not let me why I was up to fell back but pretty eyes caught me "What happened" I wanted to mess my hair but when my hand touched my forhead I felt a pain that I should not feel, like I ran against a wall "I- I don't remeber" the guys facial expression changed "But you know who I am don't you?" I thought that shaking my head would be a pretty stupid thing to do why I mumbeled "We, we know each other?" and I saw tears in the mans eyes "Do you remember who you are?" I thought about the question but thre was nothing, there was NOTHING "no" my voice was about to break and the facade of the smaller guy infront of me cracked, tears ran down his face and he started shivering. That was when I realized that there were people. lots of them and one of them made a steap towards the crying guy and layed a hand on his shoulder like they knew each other very well, and he looked at me like he knew me very well, his eyes were filled with sadness and it seemed like he had to hold back tears as well "Lio, he will be ok" no reaction, there was ithing when I heared the name Lio was that a nickname? or his actual name, was he a friend of mine, or my brother maybe? what did I look like anyways"But what if not- LUIS what if he won't be ok" the tears did not stop running down his face and I freaked out "It is nice that you seem to know me BUT FUCK I DON'T YOU WHO YOU ARE AND I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM SO COULD SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON?" 

The next time I woke up I layed in a hospital, my hands were bandaged and that was it "Hello?" I asked damn confused and the guy from the woods looked at me "Ney?" he asked and I was confused again "is that some kind of laguage? what the hell is a ney?" when the door was opened "Ah mister da silva santos nice to see that you are awake again" I sat up and felt a little dizzy at first but my view cleared up again pretty fast "What are all of you saying, or are you talking to him- who is he anyways? Lio da silva santos if I am right? but the question is- WHO THE FUCK AM I? I mean just like evreyone seems to know me, all of you look at me like we were best friends and I don't even know their names" the guy who walked in was shocked "Well now i know what you meant Mr Messi" I was more than just confused and there was no word for what I felt right now

I was allowed to go 'home' one week later and that Lio guy picked me up and I still had to figure out wether I liked him or not "So I am not allowed to tell you anything, you are supposed to remember yourself or make new memories but you have to know something before' I inerrupted him "Are we married?" he turned really pale really fast "Uhm no we are not anyways you have a son" and with those shocking news he opened a door and a cute little boy ran towards him asked "Daddy when does dad come home?" the little thing had blonde curly hair and blue joyful eyes when he saw me- he let go of lio and ran towards me, like a reflex I picked him up and carried him on my arms. He put his arms around my neck and suggeled up to my shoulder and I whispered "my son?" Lio grinned with tears in his eyes and just nodded. It felt weird to carry that little bundle of joy not knowing his name but that he was my son- everything was just so weird. There was a knock at the door why I just decided to open it, with my son in my arms, but when I opened the door I had a camera in my face and Lio freaked out, he yelled loudly and pissed "FUCK OFF" and the he slammed the door "woho- what was that about?" I asked because it seemed like lio was very good with controlling his temper "Nothing, it's nothing"

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All of this, the house, everything was so new to me and the situation made me feel uncomfortable because there was something about Lio that made me curios, it seemed like we knew each other pretty good because otherwise we would not live together but the way he looked at me when he thought I wasn't looking, he seemed hurt and angry and confused and so many otherthings I could not name but still there was so much I did not know, about him, about me about everything. "Can we watch TV?" I asked shyly and he grinned "Sure why not" he fell back on the couch and took the remote


	4. Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello People, it is I, Jason   
> Thank you so much for almost 150 hits in such a short period of time   
> fourth chapter I hope you like it   
> Also would like to Point out that I might update a Little bit less frequent this week but we'll see ^^  
> Love   
> Jason xx

"Famous and beloved football star Lionell messi seemed to be in a very bad mood today, but nobody knows why specially after his best friend and teammate Neymar Jr was released out of the hospital just today after he was missing for nearly four days- so if he will explain himself, probably yes but we will see"

I froze and Lio just stared at the flatscreen what were they saying, I moved my head, slowly, in Lios direction who was as shocked as I was. Football. just that word, just that one word that shocked me, nothing else because I mostly switched off after the word foorball because it triggered something in me, a feeling. no not just one, joy, fun, frustration, love, community, life, passion- freedom. And it was the first time I actaully remembered anything, it was nothing just a few seconds but right now those seconds meant everything to me because I had something to hold on to. It might seem so unimprotant to everyone else but it meant the world to me, I remembered the moment when I first entered camp nou, when I first met messi who jogged over and asked me if I was the new one. It was nothing else but it made me cry because I was scared if loosing all of my memorys, forever, and just this one week if not knowing who I was started to kill me. But right now I had a tiny thing I could hold on to, and I did like a drowing person to a pice of wood.

"NEY, hey Neymar Ésta todo bien?" and like from a reflex I responded "Si, sí, todo bien" then a few moments later I asked in shock "I speak spanish?" and Lio giggeled silently "Yes of course you do- what happened you were like gone" I smiled out of happiness and ecxitement "I remember something" and his eyes lightened up "It was when we met for the first time, in camp nou"  
He hugged me what made me feel REALLY uncomfortable why I whispered "i am sorry but- please- please don't do that, I may remember that we do know each other but still I barely know anything about you and I know basically nothing about myself so i am sorry, and I don't know what I may or may not destroy with those words but stay away from me until I figure out how I can contiune living my life"


	5. Give me a reason to stay not another one to go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello dear, it is I, Jason   
> New chapter  
> I should actually sleep but nah   
> Love   
> Jason xx

I turned around and wanted to go when I whispered "Tell my son- I don't even know what you should tell him" I reached the front door when I heared Lionells shaking voice behinde me   
"It was my fault- that you had this accident. that you ran off" I turned around and saw the tears in his eyes "Next time give me a reason to stay, not another one to go" my voice was a whisper and he looked at me not being able to say anything. 

My heart protested for no reason when I closed the door behinde me but my mind was stronger why I started walking down the street where people were talking to me but I ignored them completly- when I bumped into someone.   
His eyes were of a warm brown colour "Ney" he laughed happily and wanted to hug me but I was too shocked by his reaction why I took a step back, my voice was a bit too cold when I asked "who are you?" and he looked at me hurt, his puppy eyes screamed for a hug but I did not know that guy- did I? "You are kidding" he laughed but when I did not join he whsipered "You have got to be kidding" but I simply did not react still disturbed by that guy "I- I am Luis! Luis suarez you are one of my best friends" no- nothing there was no memory popping up "Do you play football?" I asked for no reason and he nodded "Yeah- we play on the same team" I blushed that question was so randomly that it was kinda akward but still "Can we go somewhere and play?" 

I did not expect him to take me to camp nou but he did and standing in front of it was maybe the most impressive thing I have ever seen- but well I reminded myself that I don't remember anything so it might as well be something I see in my everyday life "You comming?" I forgot his name again asked. Still paralyzed by the giant stadium in front of me I followed the guy and I felt so incredebly small, ok I did not seem to be that tall but still. "Do you remember anything?" I shurgged my shoulders "Well no not really but I wish I could, I just wish I could tell what certain people mean to me, I would love to hug people knowing that we are friends" he grinned sad "We are some kinda best friends, and you may not belive me but well at least give me a chance" I grabbed his wrist and he looked me straight in the eyes "I will give you a chance, of course but please try to not screw up like lio did" he scratched his neck nervously "About lio, did he tell you anything about what happened?" so I was right- something had happened between Lio and me but the wuestion was what the hell happened "and what happened?" I asked now curios but he shook his head, and blushed "I have no right to tell you sorry bro" but I just shrugged "It's ok- I guess... Can we play now?" and the kinda childish guy laughed "Sure but I gotta warn you, the junior team is training" "Do I know them?" he smiled "no but they know you" now I was the one grinning "So I just have to nod and smile" he laughed cheerfull "Basically"

He dribbeled the ball with a very high level of speed and for me right now it looked impossible until he passed the ball over to me and in the second my foot touched the ball memorys flashed through my mind, pictures, frequenzes from less then two seconds but it was so overwhelming. I rememberd when I played football for the first time in the favellas, I remembered my first game for barcelona and also the World Cup, I remembered the pain, the indiscribable pain I felt when my parents died but also the happiness when David said his first word.   
It was not much but it was a beginning what weirded me out was that I had memorys from different people but not from Lio, there was this one memoy and nothing else, not a Feeling of some sort. Was that a sign or anything like that?


	6. I am surprised by myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello People, it is I, Jason.  
> Over 200 reads THANK YOU SO MUCH  
> I apologies for not updating for so Long, life is weird  
> Hope you like the new chapter  
> Love  
> Jason xx

Later that day  
"Hello Neymar, good to meet you here- can we talk for a minute" I nodded confused- who the F were they and Luis whispered "the tall one is luis enrique our trainer and Julez is your manager" I grinned shyly it was still weird that he seemed to know me so well, he knew exactly what to say and how to make me laughe other than lio with who it was just akward "Thanks" I mumbeled so he could hear it but noone else 

"I wanted to talk to you about the transfer" a transfer- right if a footballplayer wanted to transfer they yeah transfered to another club "Yes?!" I ask/said and that Luis guy wanted to know if I was sure and I took some time to search for the words, whenever I made the decition to the transfer I might have had a good reason, plus there was something about ym 'home' not describable but still weird feeling "Yeah I am, I thought about it for a while and I am sure that it is the best for the team but also for me, iz does hurt knowing to leave all of this, all of you but" luis nodded "Even though I don't understand it, not just three months ago you said that you could imagine a new contract to 2027 and you also said that Lio had to come with you" I confusion I asked "Did I really say that- about Lio I mean?" luis nodded confused "I am more confused about that fact that you will leave lio behinde than about the fact that you agreed on a great offer by FC bayern munic" lost in thoughts I mumbeled "Yeah I am surprised by myself too"

Luis took me home, I would not have found it without him when his mobile rang "Yeah Luis here?" he rolled his eyes "with me- we will be back in a few" then he finished the call without waiting for an answer "Who was that?" I asked in curiosity "Lionel and he won't be happy to see me" GOSH all of this confusion "and why is that?" he sigh "I shouldn't tell you" I stopped and made him look me in the eyes "Come on just tell me" he shook his head and looked sad "I can't I am sorry"  
Why did everyone say that, why did everyone say they could not tell me, why did everyone say that


	7. More questions than before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya boos, it is I, Jason.  
> I hope you have/ had a lovely easter- if you celebrate, if not I hope you had a fantastic day  
> I will try to uploade a few more chapters after this but can't guarantee anything   
> I hope you like it 
> 
> Love,   
> Jason xx

Three years later

"Wanna go out on a drink with the guys?" asked Manu after the training and I nodded "Yeah sure why not" I said with my thoughts somewhere else  
Getting my memories back was fucking hard and it took me three year but still, I knew that I knew Lio and Luis but I remembered NOTHING not a single thing about them and we didn't even talk ever since I moved to munic "hey are you alright?" asked the tall blonde goal keeper and I sat down on the bench "Yeah- it- it's nothing" he sat down next to me and put a hand on my shoulder "if you want to you can always talk to me" i smiled matte "Thanks it's about my time back than in Barcelona, you know" he nodded "What happened, I have to admit that I have noticed your confusion and everything in your first months here" a tear sneaked its way down my cheek "I had an accident before I transfered, i lost my memories and by now most of them are back but there are those two people I can't remember no matter what and it drives me crazy to know that they meant something to me but that I got no odea what or in which relation we were" he smiled sad and mumbeled "I could tell you if you wanted me to"  
"You know?" I asked and he nodded "I am in contact with Lionel because to quote him if something happenes to that boy I will kill you myself well he told me everything, besides that one night, he left out one night" still in shock about the fact that manu first was texting with Lio and second knew everything, it was though knowing that one of my recent best friends knew more about my past then I did "Can you tell me about it?"   
"You have been best friends ever since, nothing could tear you apart but that one noght I know nothing about has changed everything , he just told me there are thing you just want to forgt, there are luck people who can forget and there are people whos brain blocks everything away that got to do with those people" he ended and I was in tears Lio was my best friend and I couldn't remember him no matter what Manuel had told me, and I felt like a fuckup if i could remember what happened that day I might as well remember him, that guy I seemed to love.

Love that word, I remembered me assuming that we were married, I remembered that damn word LOVE and I started to figure, why has it been so self understanding for me to assume that both of us liked men? what if we had some weird kind of relationship like Jordan and I had until I broke up with him one year ago, what if we had a fight that night. 

After I knew I had more questions then ever before and for some reason I had to think of jordan, the way he looked at me when we forst bumped into each other at one of my first days, the way he seemed to know me and me just respoding right of course, nice to see you again he never knew that I had no memories of him 

"What are you thinking about" Manu asked worried "Nothing, just my ex" he smirked "Who was she" and i just shrugged "He was a nice guy, I really liked his daughter- hale, she was such a sunshine but things were not supposed to work out" I looked up realizing that I did not come out to anyone ever since I was here "Are you Gay?" Manu asked shocked the way his voice souded in my ears. so familliar and they triggered one thing in my head FUCK one word and feelings I hated, hate, frustratiom disappointment sadness betrayl "yes" my first comming out in forever (Jordan does not count) I whispered waiting for him to yell at me, why did I expect him to hate me for being gay? but I was in shock his reaction was unexpected as fuck "Why didn't you say something earlier 'cause you know I hate wanting something I could have gotten earlier" when he sealed his lips with mine- he KISSED me


	8. white blonde dyed hair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heya People, it is I, Jason   
> Hope you like the chapter   
> A few Things will 'change' and the plot will further develop 
> 
> Love,   
> Jason xx

Well why not I thought as I kissed back and holy mother of god he was a great kisser. We let go of each other slowly and he blushed when he looked at me but I knew- so did I "You know- I like you even though you might have figured that out by now, and I hope that we could go out on a dinner or something" I smiled "I would love to, but I do have to admit that I never thought or gave myself the opportunity to like you like you- well what is not yet can still be right?" he smiled and gave me a kiss on my cheek "I an going to pick you up at nine, boys night" then he left me- perplex and confused but also happy 

 

It was seven in the evening and the sun started to disappear, it was late autum but still pleasently warm outside, at least today. I got rid of my chilling clothes (swaetpants and a baggy shirt) to hop ubder the shower because I knew that I would need about another hour to pick out my outfit and do my hair, cause still ym motto was - would you be emberassed if someone found your corpse looking like that?-   
The warm water of my shower felt amazing on my cool skin because germany was in comperason to spain and brazil really cold and so was my skin or at least it felt like it was. 

Like mostly I spent about twenty minutes in the shower, yes I showered like the average snobby girl but duuh. with just a towel around my hips and my hair drippin wet I took out the blowdrier to controll the wet stuff on my head at least a bit when I heared a knock at my door, thinkig about the person in front of it being . an early manu I didn't mind just wearing a towel and opened the door   
A very akward silence followed, like very akward. The boy was maybe about 16 years and looked really good "Sorry wrong door" he mumbeled emberassed and ran off what made me smirk 

I went back in the bathroom where I started blowdrying my still drippin' wet hair with the blond highlights in it. The perks of having short hair, I thought when my hair was dry after just two minutes, too lazy to actually put the dryer away I let it rest on the giant sink, still just wearing the same towel I went in my bed room to get something to dress  
My wadrobe was gianormeous like really, folks who would see it and what was inside might as well assume that I was in a polyamerous relationship with two or three other guys, but I wasn't and fashion was simply everything to me, and in comperason to other people I bought my clothes and actaully wor them more than once   
So now I stood here, with the wish to look perfect for my maybe yes boyfriend but also no plan what to wear. I first grabbed a pair of white clavin klein boxers cause you could smilpy do nothing wrong with them plus they were super comfy, now it became more difficult, for me it wasn't a question of what I looked good in but what looked perfect on me because everything in my closet looked pretty fresh so I was defenetly able to wear all of it, usually a great thing- right now, not so great.   
So I just stood there and stared at the clothes until something caught my attention- a plain white t-shirt with a pretty deep v-neck, nothing special so it seemed but I was inspired.  
I looked in the mirror pretty amazed by my outfit, white sneaker which I labeled as cool but too hipster at first but they just gave the whole outfit the certain kind of zazz it needed, black nice fitting jeans wich were a bit toren but not too much, the white shirt whoch did show lots of skin but not too much to make me look like a slut- plus the shirt was baggy unlike the jeans and gave the whole thing a nice contrast while my jacket was nicely fitting and simple plain black. My hair was perfectly styled and the snapback completed the whole outfit. I gave it a final touch with a silver ring, simple black earrings and a thin silver and black bracelett. And I was totally aware that this took me too long because when I was really ready to go but needed like ten more minutes to prepeare myself mentally-  
there was a knock at my door. Fuck maaan.   
I opened the door and tumbeled back in shock, it wasn't manu, the man was a bit smaller, had brown eyes and white blonde dyed hair


	9. revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heya People, it is I, Jason.   
> I really hope you like this chapter, as Things are going to Change from now on, pace and tone of the General Story so please let me know what you think of it. 
> 
> Love   
> Jason xx

Pov lio  
He looked so hot! and he was in shock as he tumbeked back and I blushed- not exactly the reaction I wished for "Hey uhm Thomas gave me your adress" he nodded shortly and didn't say anything after all "How is david?" he aksed with a broken and shivering voice "He is fine, he lives with my sister" he nodded and mumbeled something "You know- I still don't remember you so whatever you did to me or the other way round Manu who I have a date with I might add told me everything he knew and I still don't remember" His words hit me like a punch in the face, just that a punch in the face wouldn't hurt that bad "I am sorry but I can not miss something we might had or not when I don't remember so maybe one day I will or you JUST FUCKING TELL ME I FUCKING DESERVE TO KNOW BECAUSE WHATEVER IT WAS IT DESTROYED MY LIFE so you better have a damn good reason to keep it from me, because as long as i do not remember a singke thing of our relationship ish thing I think I do not really like you- could you please leave now" tears ran down my pale cheeks my voice was broken like me and I whispered "will do so, I really hoped that this would end differently, but you know I am jealous of you, you were able to forgett what happened that night and the following day, I wish I could not remeber the shit that has been bothering me eversince, but just in case that you should remeber one day, I will understand your hate, I can barely look in the mirror because I am sick of this face, I am fucking sorry, you should know that and it is ok that you hate meit really is, but can you please just remember so you can say it in my face"

The younger brazilian had tears in his undefinable eyes which unioned brown and green in one "Then give me something, something I can hold on to, a point so I can remember" more tears ran down my face and I ran my hand through his soft hair as I mumbeled "You look gorgeous, see you next week on the pitch" he choked in his tears as I wanted to go "Please' he begged 'just one thing I know that whatever we had was special PLEASE LIO' he whimmered 'sírvase" I didn't turn around and said loud enough that he could hear it "I am sorry but I can no longer do this... I hope for your sake that you don't remember" I sobbed and walked off, leaving him behinde, looking super hot, but it wasn't just that, leaving him behinde was probably even harder then tellign him to go, it was my stupid selfish mistake, just because I could not handle my feelings...


	10. one memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya People, it is I, Jason  
> Things are progressing and I hope that you like it, what do you think of everything that is Happening  
> Hope you had an amazing day 
> 
> Love  
> Jason xx

PoV neymar

I was completly wasted and had no idea what to feel why I basically cried the whole time until there was a knock at my door. I opened it looking like crap and felt Manus arms around my shivering body in the next second "Hey what happened" he whispered in my messed up hair and I sobbed "Lionell was here" the colour left his face and he hugged me even tighter "I am sorry" my tears wet his shirt as I said "I still can not remember, he gave me a hint but I simply can not remember, I just want my memories back"

I cried upset, done and just completly drained.

 We actually did not go out that night, and when I told him that, despite the fact that I really liked him I just wasn't ready for a relationship and stuff, specially because of leo showing up, he smiled, he understood. We just stayed at my place, cuddeled and watched netflix, it was one in the morning when he left to go home and it was at the exact moment the door closed that I had the worst flashback that I had ever experienced, nor because it was the most intense or long, but the conent- it was too much

_I am sorry but I can no longer do this Neymar, you should transfer, Munic has a great footballclub, they got good players there and you might as well find yourself a nice guy but not here, I just can't do this_

I woke up, laying on the ground, my head killed me- dafuq I passed out, it was not a certanly long scene I remembered but this one sentence was enoughe for me, he told me I would hate him and I figured that hating him would be a pretty good idea, he didn't want me there because I was gay what a son of a bitch, I remember the feeling of anger and hate and sadness and also that overwhelming fear.


	11. promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello Folks, it is I, Jason  
> Thank you so much for 300 hits  
> Things are getting serious and I hope you like it 
> 
> Love  
> Jason xx

Today I had training, what I wasn't aware of was that I would meet lionel messi there...

I got all dressed up and walked out of the locker room and basically bumped into luis "Uhm hey" he mumbeled but I was not able to controll the anger "Did you know. why I left?" he nodded and I shoved him away and walked on.  
Seeing lio in my current condition was not good- like at all because I simply walked over and punched him straight in the face, hearing his nose break was so satesfying "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU HIJO DE PUTA WHAT IN THE FUCKING WORLD WERE YOU THINKING... LIKE WHAT THE FUCK-- OH MY GOD NEYMAR JR LIKES GUYS BIG NEWS; A GOOD REASON TO KICK SOMEONE, NO YOUR LONG TERM BEST FRIEND, OUT DON'T YOU THINK?"  
he looked me in the eyes and my heart cramped painfully "I had my reasons" he truly was unbelivable "Just fuck yourself sonovabitch and don't you ever come and knock my door again, otherwise I will kill you and my dear this is no threat this is a fucking promise, because that is how we do it in the favellas, you better not mess with one of us, for you it is too late, see yourself as dead"

my teammates got to know me pretty even tempered so they were pretty surprised when they saw me today, angrier than ever before and more aggresive, with a temper noone had expected me to have and a deadly focus, thomas asked me wether I was ok, he asked me wether something happened or not, I told him to fuck off, looking back that was not nice but honestly as if i would give a fuck

(HIJO DE PUTA- I hope this means son of a bitch or motherfucker bc I am like not fluent in spanish and shit please correct me if i am wrong)


	12. DRAMA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hELLO People, it is I, Jason   
> the chapter title says it all   
> I hope you like it 
> 
> Love   
> Jason xx

Day of the game

I had been in a very bad mood for the whole week, neither manu nor thomas were able to talk to me, on my way to the actual game I was still way too agressive and then when a reporter saw me and ran over they wish they didn't. "hello mister da silva santos jr" "hello" I responded acting friendly "So the big game is coming, versus your old team and your old best friend, did you and Leo keep contact?" I stopped and looked at them, a boy and a girl maybe 24 years old, the boy was hot and seemed slightly emberassed by his- probably sister I would say "No we didn't talk ever since I transfered, and he is not my bestfriend" the camera waved over to the girl again "So are you nervous, to play aginst your old team must be hard" I laughed dryly "No not at all honey" she blushed deeply "one last question- any last thoughts before the game?" I smirked "You expect me to say that I am highly motivated and bullshit, no we will finish them" I just continued walking as if nothing had happened

Another time skip 

PoV Thomas

The game has been going for 20 minutes now and I hated it that I had to be out on the bensch but I still wasn't allowed to play,but I was concirned, Neymar had been passiv aggresive and aggressive agressive for the whole week for no reason as far as I knew, and he played aggressive, like hughly aggressive, generally a good thing but the look in his eyes was indeed concerning, well not as concering as the way he looked at Leo was... 

James bend over and said "Shit ney is in good shape, a but aggressive but he is good" I nodded "Yeah he is good but I am worried, I don't know if you have noticed but the way he has been acting this week, for what it seems like no reason" he rose an eyebrow "Didn't you hear it- it was his and leos first meeting ever since he came here" "but you don't think-" I didn't need to finish my sentence because he nodded "It would make sence don't you think? what ever has happened back then and something has defenitley happened, he still didn't forgive leo " it did make sence. I looked back at the pitch right at the second it happened...

neymars foot linked Leos ankle and I could basically hear it break, ney didn't stand up but said something to leo, then he stood up and the first players ran over, he did not complain at all, just walked from the pitch after receving the red card as if nothing had happend, like he did not just break his ex best friends anckle, like really break it, he did not complain, he wasn't angry, it was no forced foul, one could see that but he still looked oddly satisfyed as he looked back over to leo he still layed on the ground, in pain waiting for the meds to get him off the pitch. Usually he waited when he fould someone, said he was sorry because he really was, he was a good guy but what ever he said to leo, it was not sorry

he sigh as he fell on the seat next to me "Dude what the fuck" I asked shocked "I didn't say anything, everyone can have a bad week but what the fuck was going on with you on the pitch you are aware that he might not be able to play again" he shrugged "That whiny bitch deserved it" he shrugged as he looked in the oppiste direction of me "can you please look at me?" I hissed and he turned his head back "what- THOMAS WHAT what do you want me to say, that I am sorry that I broke his anckle- well newsflash I am not deal with the fact that I am not always happy and nice" he was not recognizable, my bad that james walked over to check on leo ever since they get along pretty good, I could have really needed his calming voice and his ability to talk "What is wrong with you, I don't recognize you" he rose an eyebrow "Oh boohoo" "WHAT did he do to you"   
his eyes changed, sadness flickered up again, just to get drowned in another kind of pure hate "what didn't he do, let's start with the simpelest things: he was the reason I nearly died because I was up to starve myself to death, he was the reason I thought about killing myself, he was the reason I nearly died a second time, he was the reason why I transfered, he was the reason why I lost all of my memories, he kicked me out because his career was nmore important, he kicked me out, me his best friend, because I like guys, he is the reason why I still do not remember everything, he is te reason why I have emotional breakdowns, so I am asking you again thomas, what didn't he do, I have too many fucking good reasons to hate-" he stopped in the middle of the sentence I thought he had a shock or something when he started again   
"I can not even- how fuckign wrong can a person be, he fucking promised it he promised me that nothing could ever tear us apart NOTHING, well nothing exept what sex and or gender I like' he had tears in his eyes and one after another rolled down his cheek 'I used to love this son of a bitch"


	13. The lord of heteronormativity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello People, it is I, Jason  
> Hope you like Drama  
> Also hope you are doing fine 
> 
> Love  
> Jason

PoV Ney 

Realizing that, that I loved him, hurt more than anything, I remembered the feeling of my heart beating faster when he smiled at me, this fucking beautiful and absoulutely stunning smile of his I could never forget ever again, but I also started to remember all the bad things he caused in my life, I started to rember but it was the first time i just wanted to forget again, I wanted to forget everything all of this fucking pain he caused. It was the moment I decided that I should look after him, going there I bumped into james "You gonna check in on him?" I nodded "Good' james said 'he asked for you" ... oh wow the high lord of homophobia and heteronormativity requested an audience with me 

"Hello Messi" I hissed when I closed the door behinde me so we were undisturbed "hey ney" he said, smiling matte "I know that it was an accidant" I laughed "Yeah it was, but I did not come here to tell you that, I came here to tell you that I wish it was no accident, I wish that I have done it on purpose... You know, I am truly happy that I don't remember you, cause you know, I used to love you, I am happy that I don't remember you because maybe I would remeber this amazing person I used to love but then I would have to reminde myself that this person kicked me out for liking guys" he had tears in his eyes WHY THE FUCK WAS HE CRYING "You know, I forgive you, everything you do, all that you say because you don't know all of the story, you don't remember everything, and I will not be offended or hurt by anything you do until you know all of it, and I will be there when you remember, I will be there waiting for you with opened arms and then you can decide wether you want to hug me or punch me" his voice broke by the end, as I growled "I choose option three, kill you"

I never saw him after that again, well until I moved back to spain, Real made an offer and I just had to take it...


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello humans, it is I, Jason   
> and time skippediskipskip   
> sorry   
> yeah   
> Hope you like it and that Things are starting to clear up as in lose Ends are starting to come together 
> 
> Love   
> Jason xx

It was my first day and Cristiano jogged over and smiled "hey ney, nice to see you again, how long has it been" I smiled happy to see him again "I really don't know' a question came to my mind and I couldn't stop myself from asking 'you and Messi are the two of you still-"  
he laughed "dating noo we broke up like one and a half years ago still friends though- yes" we were walking but I stopped in shock 

"Leo is GAY?"


	15. what is happening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello People, it is I, Jason   
> Oh god plot Twist of doom that nobody expected... uhm yeah   
> please ket me know what you think and I hope you like this chapter   
> The ff is nearly finished so yeah 
> 
> Love   
> Jason xx

"Leo is GAY?" 

he stopped too and shrugged   
"Yeah so am I problem with that? wait a second You didn't know- should I now feel offended by the fact that it did not surprise you in my case" I felt like I lost it,   
everything I knew about leo was built on the fact that he was homophobic but, everything i seemed to know about him shattered into pieces... "No not at all, I am too, my gaydar sucks but basically everyone knows you are gay- but' a tear ran down my face, all of that hate bruned inside of me just to disappear right away like it had never been there   
'but why did he kick me out. Cris if he is gay why did he kick me out for being into guys" more and more tears ran down my face, I hated him for being homophobe, for making me fall for him, for being the reason that I forgot everything, but knowing that he was gay somehow changed everything for me... 

"He did WHAT?" I shrugged "I was kinda over it, he is staright I am gay, he did not want to live together with a gay men, and that is it... OK who am I lying to I am so not over it but what choice do I got?"   
"He never told me that, just that he was insecure about his identity but... I am sorry" I was up to say nevermind, it was not his fault and Messi and Cris barley got along back then but my legs did not really want to do any kind of walking or standing- everything turned black.


	16. I remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello People, it is I, Jason   
> I have nothing to say really,   
> hope you like it 
> 
> Love,  
> Jason xx

I woke up on a couch not in my house, looking straight in Cris' face "I remember" I whispered "I- I have to talk to him" cris smiled still a bit worried "Well it is a good thing that I ordered him here then isn't it? I'll leave you guys alone" 

leo looked good well perfect was more fitting I figured "hey neymar" he said softly "How are you?" I had tears in my eyes "I remember you" he smiled and tried to hide that he was about to cry too "I remember everything I remember the night"


	17. one day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aloha peeps, it is I, Jason.   
> Hope you like it 
> 
> Love   
> Jason xx

_I wasn't half as drunk as he thought I was, so I was able to hear him say "I am too" he looked at me with tears in his eyes and we just hugged- however I thought it was a good idea to kiss him, maybe I was a tine tiny bit drunk yes, but it seemed to be the right thing to do. But leo shoved me away whiped his tears away and said "we are professinal soccer players, we cannot be gay" I felt my heart breaking "Please leo" I whimmered "you cannot do this to me" he stroked my cheek softly "I don't want to bby belive me"  "Then why can't we just be together" tears ran down his cheeks "because- the pressure we would break underneath it" "just for one night" I whispered "You can kick me out tommorow, just for one night please" I begged "You promise that we will come back to each other?" he asked "Eventually yes, just kick me out for what it seems no reason or get yourself one, and promise me that I will remember tonight, if not tomorrow then just- one day" he smiled his stunning smile "I promise my love"_

  
"I never said it back" I whimmered "I never said it that I love you" he whiped his tears away "You just did my love"


	18. Interview fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello People, it is I, Jason.  
> I can't believe that this is almost over as after this there will only be one more chapterwhich is more like a small epilouge  
> I really hope that you like it and please let me know what you think of it 
> 
> Love,  
> Jason xx

two years later

"Kinda funny don't you think?" Leo giggeled "what" asked cris slightly confused "The four of us, being here together, in the same football club" I grinned "well what I think is more of a punny accident his who had or has something with who, I mean Leo and I started it, then Leo and Cris, James and I had a One night stand, for every night, over three months, now I am back with leo and James and cris are also back together again" we giggeled "You sire you want to do this?" I asked cris who nodded "Yeah everyone has been suspecting it, I found my mister perfect- no offense leo, I am ready to go public, are you?" he asked the rest of us "Born ready" laughed leo

It was our second game all together unioned on FC barca and Cris and I were supposed to say a few words about the lgbt situation in the sports in general this would be fun

"So mister ronaldo, mister da silva santos jr, thank you for your time" the young woman with the short blue hair stuttered "me as a big footbal fan but also as a representer of the lgbt community am curios, specially you mister ronaldo- you probably know why, what your oppinion on the LGBT community is, if you wonder why- pride month duuh" she was sypathic "Nothing to thank us for, thanks for having us' I smiled 'well I am pretty much aware of the fact that it is pride month, what is my oppinion on the LGBT community? Hmm you know I think equal rights are very important, and popular representers are as well, real people, football players and on tv, representation is really important, you teens who grow up in a world of heteronormativity have a hard time figuring out who they are if they have no rile models from the rainbow squad"   
she giggeled "Rainbow squad my girlfriend will die when she hears that' she blushed ' excuse me, well you were talking about role models- I am sorry if I go too far with that but it kinda sounds like you could have needed one when you were younger" I nodded "You can be completly open and ask what you want I guess, and yes you are right I could have needed one" she blushed and smiled insecure trying not to ask wether I was gay, how adorable "And you mister ronaldo?" cris grinned   
"I couldn't agree more, even though Homosexuallity, bisexuallity, Asexuallity ecetera is nothing unnatural as it occurs in more than 1000 species, many people are scared of coming out because many many people would not accept it, me as an example I get called faggot so many times a week that I stopped counting, specially footbal is a very homophobic sports and I would really like to change that, it is pride month and pride is something great, nobody should be afraid to be who they are, if they are gay staright bi pan poly or whatever if they are a she a he or a they, nobody shouuld get a different treatment just because they were born in the wrong body, lgbts need equal rights, because seriously there are still countrys where you get murdered if you are gay- I could go on like this probably forever, I get called a faggot, I am a faggot but a very rich one- I once said that in the pitch, and yes I am- this is live isn't it?" he asked Dylan and our interviewer nodded "live on sky sports" Cris smirked  
"hello to all my fellow fans and haters out there, my name is cristiano ronaldo and I am gay and I am proud of it, a boy once came over to me, he was like 17 I guess he told me that if football players could influence the homophobia in connection with football then I would be one if them so here I am, to all the insecure teens or in general people, it is ok to be lgbt, to all the parents whos kids came out to them, they are still the same person, who all the homophobes- whp the f craped in your brain, some of you praise me, that sounded more selfish than it was intended, and I am gay, I am a footballer and I am gay what are you going to do now" Dylan didn't say anything at first then she whispered "Thank you- for listening to me, I am the boy from back then" Cris smiled and she looked at me "Did you, sorry if that sounds impolite, know about this" I laughed  
"Oh hell to the yes, my gaydar may suck but come on he did not try to be straight or anything, neither did I, I am gay so what I am proud, but back to the topic, a very good friend told be the morning after I came out to him that were were soccer players and that I was not supposed to be gay, good for him that I was that drunk the night before that I forgott that we kinda did each other, and that he came out to me- Imagine that, my best friend was so scared of coming out that he kicked me out, I moved to another country after this, beliving he was just homophobe but no- speaking of him' I grinned sassy and leo smirked 'does my better half want to say hi?" leo walked over and dylan lost it "holy crap" I stood up and kissed the love of my life. cris muttered "Maan now I feel left out" and james jogged over, leaned himself over the couch and gave cris a kiss on his cheek "Don't worry habibi I am here" Dylan was pretty much done with the world probably like the camera man "my otps just kissed crap I am out" I laughed "people should not be afraid to come out, where ever they are" she nodded "I totally agree and I totally forgott what I wanted to say so I am just going to ask any last thought before the big game tonight?" and James laughed  
"No not really besides world we are gay as hell and Munic you are going down today"


	19. So long and good night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello dears, It is I, Jason.  
> This is... weird  
> What you are reading is the ending to the first fanfiction that I ever published, it was the first ff that I ever felt comfortable enough with to let anyone read it.  
> So. This is it, a small epilouge to just round it off I suppose.  
> I wrote this fic actually like 10 months ago and got myself to publish it now so yeah  
> I really, really hope that you enjoyed it and please, please let me know what you thought of it, how you liked it...  
> So well, this is it.
> 
> Love,  
> Jason xx

Seing my old teammates again was fun, specially Manu and thomas who started dating two months after I left, that we won the championsleauge final wasn't as important as my twitter timeline 

Trend: "#Rainbowsquad", and I knew no matter what I have been though, it was worth it and I smiled as I felt the ring box in my trousers pocket

 

The end


End file.
